And I *Won't* Try To Fix You
- Caleb Robertson
- Jan 18
- 4 min read
Updated: Jan 21
"The more I am open to the realities in me and in the other person, the less do I find myself wishing to rush in to 'fix things.'
As I try to listen to myself and the experiencing going on in me, and the more I try to extend that same listening attitude to another person, the more respect I feel for the complex processes of life.
It is a very paradoxical thing—that to the degree that each one of us is willing to be ourself, then we find not only ourself changing; but we find that other people to whom we relate are also changing. At least this is a very vivid part of my experience, and one of the deepest things I think I have learned in my personal and professional life."
Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person
Confront Your Fixing Instincts
Carl Rogers’ words hit home for anyone who’s ever tried to “fix” someone else—whether it’s a friend, a partner, or even yourself. We’ve all been there:
A friend vents about their bad day, and you jump straight into “You should just…”
Your partner seems stressed, and you scramble to offer solutions instead of simply sitting with them.
Your child is indecisive about their future, so you build one for them rather than supporting their unique journey.
Your family members are in conflict and rather than sit it out or help them navigate productively, you hurriedly look for a joke, subject change, or other quick fix to resolve it (temporarily).
These moments come from a good place—wanting to help, ease pain (including our own discomfort with someone else's suffering), or make things better. But as Rogers points out, this urge to fix can actually stifle growth and connection. Instead of allowing people (or ourselves) the space to navigate life’s complexity, we impose our own goals and timelines.
Instead of allowing people (or ourselves) the space to navigate life’s complexity, we impose our own goals and timelines.
The Problem with Fixing
When we rush to fix, we send an unintentional message: “You can’t handle this without me” or “Your way isn’t good enough.” This might lead to temporary relief, but it doesn’t foster long-term growth or genuine connection.
Think about the last time someone tried to “fix” you. Did you feel empowered, or did it leave you feeling dismissed, small, or controlled? What most of us truly want (even subconsciously) is understanding - to be seen in our struggle, not immediate solutions.
How to Shift Your Approach
So how do we take Rogers’ advice and stop rushing to fix things? It starts with small but meaningful adjustments:
1. Pause Before You Speak
When someone shares a problem, resist the urge to jump in with advice. Instead, take a breath and ask yourself, “What do they need from me right now—understanding or a solution?” More often than not, they just want to be heard.
2. Practice Reflective Listening
Instead of offering answers, reflect back what you hear. For example:
Instead of “You should tell your boss off,” try “It sounds like you’re feeling really undervalued at work.”
Instead of “Why don’t you just call them?” try “It seems like reaching out feels really hard right now.”
Reflecting validates their feelings without steering them toward your version of the “right” path.
3. Accept the Discomfort of Watching Others Struggle
It’s hard to watch someone you care about wrestle with challenges. But struggle is often where growth happens. Instead of taking over, remind yourself: “They are capable of figuring this out.” Supporting doesn’t mean solving—it means staying present while they find their own way.
Supporting doesn’t mean solving—it means staying present while they find their own way.
4. Extend the Same Grace to Yourself
This isn’t just about how we treat others—it’s about how we treat ourselves. Instead of pushing yourself to “fix” every imperfection or weakness, try meeting your own struggles with patience and respect. Ask, “What am I feeling right now, and what do I need?”
Why Openness Changes Everything
Here’s the paradox Rogers describes so beautifully: When we stop trying to fix, we actually create more space for change.
When someone feels understood rather than judged or controlled, they’re more likely to open up, explore their feelings, and discover their own solutions. The same goes for how we relate to ourselves—when we stop forcing change and start listening, growth comes naturally.
Your Challenge This Week
Next time you feel the urge to fix—whether it’s in a conversation with someone else or in your own self-talk—pause. Take a breath. Ask a simple question: “What do they (or I) need most in this moment?”
It might not be the quick fix you’re used to, but you might just find, as Rogers did, that real change begins when you simply allow life’s complexity to unfold.
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Disclaimer:
These thoughts are presented with curiosity, wonder, and a sense of discovery.
There is so much scholarly material around religion, history, sociology, and psychology (realms I spend much of my time in). While that is immensely valuable and should be consulted when lives are at stake, I'd never produce anything if I required myself to scour these depths before voicing my thoughts which I believe to contain value and worth.
As such, it would not surprise me if my conclusions change in the future. And I hope it doesn't surprise you. That change of mind could come tomorrow, or it could come years from now. Curiosity isn't concrete. Trying to make it so robs it of its strength and beauty. As you read, I hope you will remember this - on my behalf and on yours.
“I have found that when another person has been willing to tell me something of his inner directions this has been of value to me, if only in sharpening my realization that my directions are different.”
Dr. Carl Rogers
Additionally, this post is not a substitute for psychotherapy or professional advice. If you are experiencing emotional distress or seeking personalized guidance, please consult a licensed mental health professional or other qualified expert.
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